The hardest part, no...one of the MANY hardest parts of this illness is having a broken brain. A brain that I can no longer really control. A brain that is similar to a boyfriend who is planning on dumping you and slowly stops calling and showing up but still sends promising text messages letting you know that he needs space but still wants to be together. Encouraged for the umpteenth time you keep trying to make it work like it used to and say, 'hey brain', I have a really important thing coming up and you said you loved me and would be there when I needed you most, well...I need you'. So your brain/boyfriend says, of course I won't forget because I know how much it means to you, blah, blah, blah. And then there you are, waiting for your brain/boyfriend who never bothered to call and just didn't show up, again, leaving you looking like an ass and a flake in front of your friends and family once again. Why don't I have any friends anymore? Why does my family treat me like they haven't known and loved me my whole life?
I shouldn't really feel that surprised or hurt that most of my friends and family have pretty much just stopped communicating with (dare I say abandoned) me for the most part. I really only have myself to blame; I have been a walking, talking lunatic for the last 4 years. Ironically, I think people were a lot more interested in keeping in touch when they thought I was losing my mind - Lets be honest, there is a little voyeur in all of us, and what is more interesting than someone you know who has completely lost their shit after being relatively sane and normalish their whole lives? I definitely would find it interesting if the roles were reversed. I love crazy people who do abnormal shit. Maybe not the psychotic harmful, psycho serial killer kind - however we can't all be choosy about how we lose it - but those people who just finally throw it down and revolt against the grain. I personally do know people who used to be sane and then grew to have a serious mental illness. That isn't anything to laugh about, and not a fun road at all for anyone involved, and I know this because I had first hand experience with the process. Anyone that has had the pleasure of losing their minds will tell you it isn't 'interesting', it is the most fucking terrifying, bottom of the earth dropping out from under your feet, kind of terror. And it is also the loneliest thing in the world because you are too ashamed to tell anybody that you MAY HAVE LOST YOUR MIND. At first people kind of treat you like it was something you did on purpose, like you went out and got super drunk at the bar on a work night and lost your mind along with your house keys. What kind of irresponsible person loses their mind? I will say that lots of us do it, in many ways, and to many degrees.
Chronic Lyme Disease is unique in that most of the Medical community views it as a 'crazy's disease'. According to the CDC, and other influential health organizations, it is a SYNDROME', which means 'all in your head'. Those of us who have had the honor of being diagnosed as crazy before we found out we were really, really sick with Lyme Disease, it is a label that will haunt and hinder us throughout the entire time we try to get treated for Lyme Disease. Since becoming really ill after the birth of my first daughter I was immediately forced to see a Psychiatrist who immediately started throwing meds at me left and right, most of which didn't work and made me worse, some even suicidal. When I had exhausted over about 30 different psychotropic medications my Psychiatrist told me that I must be Bi-Polar if medications weren't working on me. As much as I respected this doctor's opinion I knew then that there was something else going on....dare I say, I started to wonder if I were really crazy at all. During your course of trying to find doctors to help you with Lyme Disease, I assure you that you will hear your fair share of completely moronic bullshit statements like that at every turn. Try not to take it to heart, ever. Know that, even though you have no clue what is wrong with you, these "professional" know even less. You need to trust in your own self and know you aren't 'crazy'....you are sick with a crazy disease that also affects your mind.
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