I have a very short attention span, due to lack of sleep, so I apologize now if my blogging is terrible. I also have never been very fond of blogs but I am doing this both out of cathartic reasons and that my honest experience will hopefully help, if not ease, just one person who brushes up against the monster that is PPD.
I am taking a sick day from work today because I can feel myself slipping into the murky depths of PPD rage from lack of sleep, and trying to manage my life, house, and 2 kids (2yr old and 3 month old) now that I am done with maternity leave. Due to the severity of my PPD/A with my 1st child - 2 hospitalizations, ECT treatments, followed by 2 short medical LOAs- I missed a lot of work and was put on informal 'notice' by my managers. By that, I mean they made it very clear that if I did not get my act together they will find a way to let me go for any other infraction since they cannot legally fire me for having a valid medical condition.
Digression rant, feel free to skip this paragraph -The irony is that I work for a very large Health organization that brags about their superiority in caring for their employees and, subsequently, their health. There are also 2 other people in my department that have recently had to take extended medical leaves, due to repercussions of optional, unhealthy living, and instead of the evil eye my bosses took up a collection for flowers and cards for them. Even though I did not choose to be saddled with PPD/A I now see how archaic we still are when it comes to our views on people with mental health disorders.
My PPD/A is much less severe with my 2nd child than the first time around and I am very grateful for that. However, I have to be very careful about making sure I am taking care of myself and that is almost impossible when you have 2 small unpredictable children. Lack of sleep is my biggest demon. My 1st child was a round the clock nurser and had such severe colic that she screamed non-stop for the 1st 4 months of her life. My 2nd is a much happier baby but also high maintenance. I thought for sure I would get a break with my 2nd child, a baby that slept or was content in a swing, as I feel I paid my dues plus with my first. But no, this one still nurses for an hour, every 2 hours, round the clock and has to be held constantly or she will flip out and scream with such ferocity that you do as she wants. We are not idiots, nor are we weak people, we just ended up with 2 very strong willed girls. Believe me, I have spent hours googling on mothering sites and also own probably over $2000 worth of baby carriers, contraptions, and soothers to no avail. My darling girls seem to be most contented when I am not.
I was hoping to write something meaningful and intelligently constructed, but it may take a few entries before I get the hang of this. That, and I am working on a crappy computer since the replacement one we got after we were robbed crashed to the floor and broke last month. Plus, I am working with no mouse and the roller pad thing is not my forte. I don't do well with my imperfections and my failings as a person in general. I am a tried and true pessimist, high strung and with a touch of general anxiety which makes it hard to stay on track and finish what I start. These lovely personality traits probably had a little to do with setting me up as a perfect candidate for PPD in the first place.
I was going to try to sleep some today but my body wont let me. A very nice side effect of PPD. Losing my mind from exhaustion and unable to physically sleep for more than a maximum of 2 hours at a stretch, and that is on a good day, keeps my cycle of crazy on high. Since my daughter was born I probably average 4 hours of sleep a night and not all at the same time. I go to bed around 9:30pm and officially get up at 6/6:30am so you do the math. I have been back to work for 3 weeks now and I can feel the PPD starting to gain momentum. It is hard to keep up all day and care for the kids after work when I am so sleep deprived. I am cranky, mean, and a generally horrible person to be around right now. If I could give my husband a bonus, or spouse raise, I would. Instead he has to settle for bi-annual apology letters that I write in lieu of birthday and father's day cards. In spite of any character flaws my husband saved my life and I would not have made it through this alive if not for him....and my parents.
Sometimes I get so discouraged because I feel my life has been forever tarnished with the mark of PPD, that even if I make it out alive I will never be like I was before PPD/A. And I will leave it at that because my boobs are going to explode if I don't pump.
