Had a big crash on Christmas. I wanted to badly to make it to Christmas and have a normal Christmas morning with my husband and kids. I did not make it and I knew I was not going to make it 1/2 way through the Christmas Eve party at my Aunt's. I also wanted to be functioning because my 3 year old was going to be admitted to the hospital for a three day stint to monitor her for Benign Rolandic Epilepsy. I did not make that either. I showed up today like some crazy drunk mother with my neuro shakes and way-out-of-it five mile stare. The staff was visibly nervous, I was not acting normal....but I don't when I crash. My daughter had a seizure on the 7th of December. The only thing I could think of was the Trailer Park Boys line about needing a shit bat for all the shit balls heading his way. I feel like I am going to crack wide open and go running from my house in my socks and never come back.
My sins; I screamed at my husband, I screamed at my kids, I ranted and raved up and down the house. I am sure my neighbors are certain they will one day have a domestic on their hands. I had to switch pain meds and no one warned me that I would tank on withdrawal from the one while having a bad reaction to the other. I hate my life right now. My kids are scared...which makes me feel worse than the worst person on the face of this earth. I warned my husband that I was going down and he failed to heed my warning; telling people we did not need help when we so desperately did, do need it, and NOW. My very best, best friend, and loyal herx sitter, spent the night, while my husband was at the hospital with our 3yr old, in order to get my new meds at 7am....it is way too cold in MN to be up and out of the house driving around in this kind of nasty cold weather. I had no sleep from med withdrawal the night before. I am so sick of being physically dependent on pain meds I want to cry. Luckily I have no issues with psychological dependency...funny how different recreational drugs are from the ones you really need to stop the agony that is burning your body alive.
I am feeling very lost and just fucking done with life. I can't keep up this pace and I rely completely on my pain meds in order to function. They do fuck-all for the pain but keep the fatigue from burying me alive. That is not true, actually, they do help some of the pain but at a pretty big price. I have gone cold turkey off of them several times just to get them out of my system and see what my body is doing without them and when I find out that I am still in as much agony as I thought I go back on and resume my life. I honestly don't know how people do it without. I have taken every non-narcotic, nerve pain available and they did nothing for me so I have resigned myself to the narcotic pain meds. I feel like crap. I am currently taking methadone. My LLNP told me that it works better than the percocet for nerve pain but I have to wait about 3 weeks before it kicks in. What I like about the methadone is that I don't feel the highs or lows that the percocet gives me. What I don't like about the methadone is that it gives me a low grade headache on top of the constant low grade headache I already have and it is aggravating. Percocet makes me extremely crabby but it gives me energy to take care of my little girls and it allows me to function fairly normally. The methadone makes me feel constantly spacy and edgy and it helps a bit with the fatigue but not so much with the pain.
Sorry for the BS ranting post. I am feeling like everyone has completely forgotten about us and does not give a damn. I want to cry and freak out but I have done enough of that these last two days and the damage has been done to my kids...I can't afford to damage them more. How do you all do this? I stopped my abx for a couple of weeks because I was losing all feeling in my arms and legs and was having to sleep propped up in a sitting position and no sleeping from the pain of no circulation in my arms. I wanted to make it through Christmas and through my kid's hospital stay but no dice. Soon I am going to start the Mepron to treat the babs and I am scared shitless. I can barely tolerate the Ceftin and Clarithromycin that I am on currently and I am so exhausted from the fight of this. Please god(ess) please help me, help my kids, help my family, help us, help us, help us. I am too tired to fight anymore today. I want a break so badly from this. It has been five long years and it makes me sick to my stomach to think that it will be another five years before this is over....if we are lucky. I feel like the weakest person in the world right now. I am scared I won't make it through this. I am scared I won't get my kids through this. My husband and I are going to see a therapist because the stress is cracking our marriage some. Luckily we have a strong relationship but we are not functioning like a married couple anymore and that just sucks. I finally met a man who is a great husband, father, friend, lover....and it all came to a screaching halt when I got sick. I want to run away and forget about all of this Lyme shit. I just want it to be spring already.
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