Rant and purge, rant and purge

Relived that everything is finally settling down from my Christmas crash – I was so hoping to have normal as possible Christmas with John and the girls and it just wasn’t to be.  I won't lie people, things have been severely rough lately and there are times when I just don't think I can make it through this. We are barely into treatment and it is going to get even rougher than it has been. Being sick for 5 years solid has already worn out its welcome. I am in the process of applying for SSDI because we are financially f***ed from all the medical bills from the last 4 years, and now in order to get treatment for our Lyme disease we have to see a doctor that is practicing off the radar and can’t take insurance or she will lose her license.  I am tired of being scared and feeling like crap. I am tired of seeing my kids suffer....most people wouldn't think there is anything wrong with us, but they don't see us during the bad times, nor do people see the day-to-day struggles that my kids or I are having. I know there are millions of people who have it worse than we do, but this is my life and I have to live it.  I think the very worst part is seeing my kids have it rough and being too sick to do a whole lot about it. It is a waking, walking nightmare a lot of the time. There are many days that I feel like everyone has forgotten us. I know, in reality, that people haven't, and everyone has their own share of troubles and their own crazy lives they are trying to live, but this chronic illness crap is a really lonely existence. I am so thankful for my squirrely, silly monkey girls or I don't think I would laugh at all. Also, a serious thanks to Uncle Shin for babysitting me yet again while John was at the hospital, where I should have been, and driving me to the doctor this morning at an ungodly hour in an ungodly temperature.  Also a special thanks to my husband who is still sticking it out with me even though he probably needs a vacation from this more than I do.