Before I start my tirade about yesterday I want to mention that I started herxing, around 11pm last night, from my Bartonella sequence on the Wellness Pro that I did on Sunday. It definitely feels like a milder version of the Bart herx that I had for 3 weeks. The only addition is some pain in my back...almost feels like bad gas or kidney pains. I over did a coffee enema (did the entire litre by accident) and my bowels haven't been working very well since. I have also been living off of coffee so that isn't doing me any favors. I feel too worn out to properly care for myself and I am really struggling just meeting my kids needs right now. I felt really good for a couple days and now herxing. I am going to try the Yeast and Detox sequence on the Wellness Pro this afternoon. I was hoping that my kids could use this machine too but it says that people with seizure issues shouldn't do it so my 4yr old can't as she has recently been diagnosed with Benign Rolandic Epilepsy.
Ok - here goes rant:
2 hour appt with pediatric allergist for both girls. My 2yr old had lovely scratch testing on her back - was NOT happy. Additional blood work required by our insurance company before they cover a medication that 4yr old needs - 6 vials of blood, 5 of those for bullshit tests for the insurance company. J (4yr old) was utterly traumatized. I wish I would have filmed her screaming in agony and sent that... to my insurance company and had it to show all these doctors exactly what they are doing to my child all because of their ego and politics. This will be the last time I comply. I will not subject my daughter to torture to please the insurance company. I almost vomited from watching the raw fear and hearing Junipers begging and screaming in terror. I can't do this anymore, there has to be another way than this because my heart can't take it. I am so sad and feel like I failed my child. My heart goes out to all those children (and their families) who have very serious health problems and need a lot of hospitalizations and require a lot of invasive procedures. J asked me why she has to go the the hospital all the time, and then told me that this was the last time she would do it. She asked me could I just lie and trick the nurse next times so she doesn't have to have this done to her anymore. I hate this so much, and I hate that my baby has to suffer
I hope my these insurance companies and money mongers rot in hell forever. I really feel that this is going to far. I don't think tormenting my kids, to this extreme degree, in order to take a particular abx is a good thing for their mental health. My 4 yr old already has huge anxiety issues and she has been in and out of the hospital, more often than not, her entire life. If she doesn't get a break, if this kind of thing keeps happening to her it IS going to permanently traumatize her and I don't want that to happen. My friend who came with could hear her screams from the waiting room and he said that he almost had to leave because it was so awful to listen to. I saw her face, I saw how terrorized she was and I can't put her through that again, I just cant. People try to make me feel better about it by saying that it is always worse on the parents and frankly that is crap. If you saw my child's face you would know that is the biggest line of bullshit ever. The problem is that we can't get a lot of assistance from our Lyme practitioner between appointment times and this is when the emergent issues come up, so I am left having to make these decisions myself and I have no idea what I am doing....
I feel like I have to be so careful about questioning any thing my LLMD says because they are the end all be all of Lyme knowledge but they don't know everything either. I feel it is my job, as my kids mother, and as a patient, to weigh the pros and cons, and research, what we are being asked to do for treatment. Only, I am so worn out and I can't get answers anywhere, from anyone. Everyone has a different therapy approach, a million - no - a billion different supplements that help this or that parasite and mold organisms and I DON'T HAVE A BRAIN TO FILTER OR PROCESS ANY FUCKING INFORMATION ANYMORE. I really don't feel I am getting enough guidance from my practitioner and that scares the hell out of me. I am at a point that I cannot do treatment and take care of my kids at the same time so what are my options now? No one will help me, help us find a balance.
After re-reading what I wrote I really think I need to do more work with being positive because all this negativity is also not helping me heal.
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