My Doctors are in an Ego War - My Healthcare, The Casualty

Just got a call from my PCP - who is really angry with my LLNP because my LLNP wouldn't call her to discuss how to best help me when I am herxing and really, really sick.  *My PCP knows nothing about Lyme, doesn't believe I have Lyme, and will not educate herself about Lyme - I tried to bring her some literature to which she just tossed aside and told me she had already read it so I don't bother anymore because it could cost me big time.  I called my LLNP and repeatedly begged her to call my PCP (this was over a period of several months).  Finally my LLNP called my PCP but got her voicemail.  She then tried a coupld more times but everytime she called my PCP, my PCP was with clients or unavailable so she gave my PCP her cell phone number.  So, then I begged my PCP to just please call my LLNP.  So my PCP finally acquiessed and called my LLMD but was unable to talk to her because my LLMD was with clients or at lunch.  I reminded her that she had my LLNP's cell phone number but she said that she wasn't going to use her off hours to call.  So, now both of them are angry at the other and are refusing to call the other.  What makes it even better is that they are both irritated and angry at ME because of this.  Like it was my decision to choose asshole, egomaniac doctors for my care.  My PCP even yelled at my husband and I at one visit because she feels if we are paying for private care than we should be getting more than we are.  I tried to tell her that my LLNP was a one woman show and didn't have an entire clerical staff on hand to do all the busy, chart work and phone calling.  She got so enraged that she basically threatened that if we didn't like the care she gave us we could just rely on my LLNP for my care.  My LLNP lives 3 1/2 hours away, in another state....and I can't drive.  However, her little threat made my blood run cold because if she cut me off from the pain medication I would be beyond screwed.  The only way I can get out of bed and take care of my little girls everyday is because of those horrid little pills: pills that alleve my fatigue and pain enough to function like a semi-normal person....too bad they don't make my brain work better.

 

Anyway, I can rarely get ahold of my LLNP and when I am lucky enough to reach her receptionist/helper I leave a message and hope I will get a call back within a couple weeks.  Now for emergencies, that leaves me completely screwed.  Same for my kids.  Luckily my kids have not gotten as ill as I have so we have been spared that bullet so far.  I dread that time because I am terrified that we will bring them to the kiddy ER and they will find out I am treating my kids with abx, and that the abx has caused them to be really ill and then they take my kids away for wanton abuse. 

So, with all this latest herxing and feeling like death - specifically that I can't feel my arms, hands or feet and the nerve pain running rampant is absolutely, breathtakingly unreal.   After stopping my abx and not getting better after 2 weeks I finnally caved and left a message with my PCP about the pain and what to do since all the pills I have on hand are not making a dent: I already spoke to my LLNP and all I got was go 1/2 dose on my abx and detox more. 

 

I waited a for a call back and two days later my PCP's nurse called and told me that my PCP said that maybe from here on out my LLNP should be managing my pain.  Like I said earlier, with how strict they are on pain medications these days, THIS ISN'T A POSSIBILITY.  I spent all yesterday curled on the floor in a fetal position sobbing my heart out.  I am so glad we put the girlies in daycare so they didn't have to see me freaking out and get scared.  Even while I write this I am starting to tear up from the complete lunacy and total UNFAIRNESS of it all.  I am doing my part.  I am jumping through all the hoops.  I am putting my husband's job in jeapordy in order to try to make it to all these appointments, by all these specialists, just in order to satisfy my PCPs discomfort with Rxing me pain medication. 

 

It is such a total waste of health care dollars it isn't even funny.  And it all stems from the fact that my doc won't admit that I have Lyme.  I just feel absolutely devastated by all of this.  I just thank god that my kids aren't in this kind of pain and I really hope it never happens because I don't know who would help us.  I have to laugh a very twisted laugh to think that the outcome of my care is at the hands of 2 medical professionals who are in the middle of an ego war...my life, truly does not matter to them and that make me feel so bad I dont' think I could describe it.  Like I am worth less than nothing.  They are going to kill me and they don'' even care....they don't even care.