To Cut Myself Off From Toxic Family - Trimming the Family Fat

So, as I posted earlier - or maybe I didn’t because I have no short term memory and am too lazy to go back and read what I have already posted – I cut myself off from my mom’s side of the family this winter.  I went to Thanksgiving, because it was at my mom’s and only one aunt came, but won’t be joining my extended family for family celebrations anymore, period!

A lot of us who are traveling the muddy streets of our Lyme trek come across friends and family that range from silence (ignoring that there is anything wrong) and disbelief (of Lyme) to being downright nasty and rude about it.  It seems like the majority of family are in this negative spectrum which surprises me.  I guess I could see a few nay sayers, in my family, but the majority??!!??.  The thing that boggles my mind the most is that my family has purposely turned their back on me (on us) when they know we need love and support the most.  They are, for some cosmic reason actually viscerally ANGRY at me for saying that I have Lyme and that I gave it to my 2 little girls.  It makes no sense at all.  Initially my parents were in this camp, that they didn’t believe me, and they just didn’t want it to be true…especially when it came to their grandbabies. 
I think I also need to explain a little of my background so it makes sense why my family has done this.  I have always been the proverbial black sheep of my family.  I was born out of wedlock, had an alcohol/addict father who didn’t pay any child support so my mom was on welfare until I was about 6yrs old.  She met my step dad when I was 4 and we moved it with him shortly after and he cared for me like I was his own.  I had Lyme since I was a little kid, there is a possibility I was born with it too.  I had a lot of health issues my whole life.  In my teen years I had extreme anxiety and depression rear its ugly head.  I felt out of control, my relationship with my parents was terrible and out of control too.  I started using alcohol and drugs at 13/14 and it was a major part of my life until my early twenties.  I hated myself, my life and was as self-destructive as I knew how to be.  At some point I got sick of trying to kill myself through drugs and alcohol so, in my mid- twenties, I cleaned up my act and tried to resume a normal, productive life.  I met my 1^st husband in my late twenties and got married.  He was not a bad guy but we were very ill suited for each other and ended up getting divorced a couple years later.  I met my current husband when I was 33, got married at 35 and had two beautiful girls.  So, because I have a checkered past, a lot of my family still sees me as the person they always expected me to be; a failure, a drug addict, a liar, and basically a horrible and bad human being all around.  However on my path of self-destruction I never did anything to directly hurt my extended family (outside of the mental anguish I caused my parents) so it confuses me why they still judge me as the person I was 20 years ago.  Oddly, the problems with my family didn’t start when we found out we had Lyme & Co in July, they started when we found out my 4 yr old had extensive food allergies that could kill her I had to ask some concessions for her safety at family gatherings.  For example, I asked that there not be bowls of loose nuts out, and I asked if we could make simple mashed potatoes so that she could eat what everyone else was eating and feel part of the family.  There is nothing more painful than watching your toddler get repeatedly left out of things because she cannot eat any of the food at parties or family gatherings.  Anyway, because of this I pissed off a lot of people.  To quote my Aunt, I “have no right to demand that anyone go out of their way to make food that J can eat.”  I know that my family thinks very little of me. 
My mom recently had breakfast with two of my aunts after the Christmas gathering, that I refused to go to, and they told her that I couldn’t be trusted because I was a liar, and a drug addict.  A liar because I proclaim to have Lyme and that my kids have Lyme.  A drug addict because I am reliant on pain medication to function and take care of my kids.  They also said I am rude and demanding.  Rude and demanding because I asked my cousin, who was hosting Thanksgiving, about the ingredients in the turkey brine and mashed potatoes in hopes that my daughter, J, could partake in eating with the rest of us. – My cousin told her mother, my Aunt, that I had demanded she make special dishes for my daughter which I didn’t, and because I am a liar/drug addict/abuser mother the rest of the family believes her side of the story.  My Aunts also insinuated, if now outright said, that I am a negligent and abusive mother.  Abusive because I am hurting my kids by giving them long term antibiotics to treat an illness I am making up, and negligent because I would wantonly risk my daughter having an anaphylactic reaction because I would stupidly trust someone else to make food for her.   One of my Aunts’ even said, “I don’t give a shit about Kara, I only care about those little girls of hers”.  Funny because, if she cared about my kids, she would care about helping to make them safe during family gatherings by not having nuts out, etc.  If she cared about my kids she would care that my daughter’s feelings are constantly being hurt because she feels left out of what everyone else is able to participate in and that is FOOD.   
My mother was so upset about her own sister’s bashing her daughter and showing absolutely no compassion for her daughter and granddaughters that she actually broke out in hives that look like shingles.  They have always treated my mom like crap, which I also don’t understand, and have made her feel unworthy and like a joke her whole life.  My mom does not know how to stand up to her emotional bully sisters and therefore does not do a lot to stand up for me.  I feel bad that she is being caught in the middle but I think their conduct at breakfast was a real wake up call for her. 
Here is the email I sent to my Aunt before Christmas.  It is badly written because I was so upset.  I wish I was better at letting all this crap slide off my back but it tends to consume me sometimes, a lot of the time.  Anyway here is the email and I wish I would have edited it before sending so it sounded more congruent.

****y,

If you were that hurt about me not coming you would have called and discussed it with me. You and (my cousin) have told my mom and me on at least 2 occasions that you didn't like us and didn't want to be around us. My mom remembers this pretty clearly too. Talk about hurt. But we moved on and tried to keep that behind us and moved forward as a family. We have been there time and again when you and (my cousin) needed support.

The fact that you are more concerned with being 'hurt' that I am not coming, without even hearing me out about why I have made this decision, just proves that you would rather be right than actually have a working, loving family relationship with me or my kids. You have all these judgments and disapproval about what I am doing, yet you have not once called me to talk to me about it, nor have you even showed any interest in what my family is going through. I don't want to spend time, or expose my kids, to a family that would rather bash me behind my back than care enough to speak directly to me about their concerns. And by speaking your concerns I do not mean what (my cousin) said during our phone call, that I probably have something other than Lyme. I am tired of fighting against all this negativity and disbelief. It is too hard, too painful and it is tearing me apart.

People DO have every right to talk about me behind my back, have their own opinions, etc. However, I have every right to respond to those often thoughtless remarks, made by people who have done NO research on Lyme, nor have bothered to even talk to me about it, when I hear from the grapevine what is being said. It is hard on my mom too, to feel caught in the middle, and if you knew how hurtful and upsetting this has been to her you all would stop it. But, many people in this family are far more concerned with being 'right' than concerned about how this affects my mom’s heart. She is so afraid of being cut off the family if she stands up for me that it is tearing her apart and causing conflict in our relationship too. I don't think you all care one iota about the damage you cause when you back stab me to my mom rather than talk to me. It is apparent that you all care more about hammering your poisonous judgments into my mom's ear rather than having a two way, open minded conversation with her. If you truly cared at all about her, or my family, you would find a way to give loving support and withhold your stinging judgments. If you care more about proving your point then all you are achieving is losing us as family. My mom does not make decisions about how we have chosen to treat our Lyme disease and all this negativity she hears only makes her feel more helpless and more torn apart.

You have no idea what is happening to my family, to me, to my kids - you made that glaringly apparent the last several times we have been together. Whenever I try to talk to our family about what is going on they also just act disinterested and uncomfortable. Unfortunately our lives are consumed with this horrible illness and it is what it is right now. We need people's support more than ever and all we have is family that has pulled away. The only family that has reached out to us is the W*******, the rest of you just want to believe I am crazy and want no part of it. It is funny that the only loving support I have gotten so far is from them. If you want to stay stuck in your own self righteousness then I want no part of it, no part of a one-sided relationship with you and others in our family that have chosen to ignore what our family is going through.

Keep feeling hurt if you want to but I can guarantee you it does not come close to the hurt I have from how little this family has reached out or supported my family during this really scary and really hard time. My duty as a mother is to protect my family from people who do not have their best interests at heart, and that is what I am doing by cutting myself off from that kind of family until it changes.